I cannot believe the last 5 days...everything seems so surreal and I'm still processing what has happened.
I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts directly after the birth of Aaliyah because I honestly had a roller coaster of emotions and out of body experiences that I never thought I would have.
The morning of my c section I was very excited...We were finally going to meet our baby girl!! I imagined seeing her over the drapes and just being happy and excited that I am finally a mum!
When we got into the theatre everything was very bright and cold...I have never been admitted into hospital, let alone had any kind of surgery so this was very weird for me. I am so happy Max was there because he was the only thing I could look at because I just couldn't get comfortable in such a cold room. I got my drips and epidural in and within minutes my body was going numb. I was laying on my back with Max by my side and a blue drape just under my chest. It was a very weird sensation not having control over my body...from this point on all trust was in my doctor and his team. Max was great and kept talking to me and comforting me throughout the procedure. My doctor also talked to me and kept me in the loop on what was happening. Within about 15 min my I heard my doctor say "now Dina I'm going to show you baby and you can thank me for delivering via cesarean" I could hear the doctors struggle with getting her out because she was so high up in my abdomen. Before we could see anything we heard a single cry...Max and I just looked at each other in silence...holy shit thats a real baby!
All of a sudden this baby was being shown to us over the drapes. She was huge and round and I instantly started crying.
Now this is where things get weird for me. I saw my baby and I cried but my initial thought was not joy and happiness for motherhood...My first emotion was emptiness...I had just spent 10 months carrying around this baby inside my tummy and within minutes she was out and crying and I felt robbed of the connection I had during pregnancy. I could barely look at my new baby because it just didn't feel right that I no longer had her in my tummy. I didn't even really enjoy pregnancy that much...it was really uncomfortable at the end and I was ready to have a baby...but emotionally I wasn't ready to see the human I had been carrying for so long.
So after she was out Max got to cut the cord and she got checked over my the paediatrician and then brought over to me. I couldn't believe this was my baby...I looked at her and kissed her but for some reason I just couldn't wrap my head around what just happened. I told Max to hold her as I was having pains in my shoulder and obviously still getting worked on by the doctors. I just lay there with Max and our baby next to me. As some people may know, I am not a very emotional person. However, at this moment all I wanted was to be with Max and hug Max...instead I was laying on a table numb from the chest down and looking at our little girl who was just handed to us like we knew what we were suppose to do.
The next 24 hours is such a blur...it took a few hours before I got feeling back in my legs, meanwhile I was breastfeeding for the first time and just staring at our little creation. It is truly amazing what the human body is capable of and the amount of trust and responsibility parents have instantly after birth.
I think the moment I truly felt joy or happiness for this beautiful little girl was day 2...I was still hooked up to the epidural so hadn't gotten out of bed for 24 hours...and I just stared at this baby (who was already very alert with her eyes open) She looked so innocent and helpless and we were now her only means to survive. As I sat there skin to skin with my baby she just looked at me with her big eyes and many facial expressions and I couldn't help but fall in love. She looks like Max in someways and me in others...her face was changing everyday and I didn't want to miss a thing!
I'm still not sure what you would call the emotions I felt directly after child birth but it was really life changing for me...I would have never thought that I could feel so sad or down about bringing life into this world but I did (even if it was for 48 hours) I'm so glad we had someone taking pictures of the whole process because I would not have appreciated or remembered the ordeal without them. I know I was meant to be a mum and as hard as it is at the beginning I am cherishing every moment because eventually this innocent and helpless baby is going to grow up and not need me as much.
I just want to add as well that I am so lucky to have Max by my side...I couldn't imagine going through this without him. Even though he will say I did all the hard work, I really needed him and he was amazing.
Now to raise a baby!!!
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